LITERAL REMAINS

James McCullen’s weapons company MARS sells four nano-technology based warheads to NATO.  While being delivered by the United States Army, the squad are attacked, and if not for the G.I. Joe team, the warheads would have been lost.  The two surviving Army men, Duke and Ripcord, are escorted to the Joe base in Egypt.  The Joes take possession of the warheads, and Duke and Ripcord join the team only because Duke knows one of the terrorists who attacked the convoy.  The Baroness, formerly Ana, used to be engaged to Duke.  She blamed Duke for her brother’s death four years prior and things went sour between them.

With Duke and Ripcord on the super secret, uh, super team, they are quickly put into action because the Baroness and Stormshadow break into Joe headquarters and steal the warheads.  Not surprisingly, McCullen is a bad guy and it’s with his help the warheads are stolen.  Also, not surprisingly, he wants to create global destruction.  McCullen’s director of research is a mad scientist, who along with creating the nano-tech, has created their emotionless and unfeeling foot soldiers.  The mad scientist will, before long, become Cobra Commander.

The Baroness, formerly Ana, is married to a scientist who is forced to weaponize the warheads before he is killed, and the now deadly nano-tech warheads are carried to Paris to create some destruction.  It’s a test run that leads to the Joe team chasing them through Paris and blowing stuff up and eventually destroying the Eiffel Tower.

There is a lot of stuff blown up in this movie.  Cars, buildings, glaciers.  And this movie’s sensibilities.  I want to refer to it as C.G.I. Joe; even the real actors feel cartoonish.  I don’t think the original cartoon series was this simple minded.

G.I. Joe:  The Rise of Cobra has a constant flow of action, and it’s brainless, harmless (for the most part) fun; I think it may only be harmful to a person’s intellect.  But it doesn’t really stand out.  I think Snake Eyes (always was my favorite) is the best thing in this movie, probably because he doesn’t utter a single word.  If it had scaled back on the goofiness it would have been a lot better.

For the most part, it’s lifeless.  For all it’s pretty colors and stunts and gadgets, it doesn’t generate much excitement, or wonder.

2.5 out of 5
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