LITERAL REMAINS

Is it wrong for me to say that My Bloody Valentine has its heart in the right place?  I didn’t think it was.  There are brief moments in this movie that are quite good, moments of character and some moments of true suspense, but they are far too few, leaving this movie a nice attempt to take us down slasher movie memory lane.  It becomes gore for gore’s sake, and instead of ‘Be Mine 4 Ever’, it’s a one night stand, just another notch on the bedpost and another severed limb in the deep freeze.

The town of Harmony (oh the irony) survives on the back of its coal mine.  An accident occurs, trapping six men, killing five of them.  The only survivor was Harry Ward, and he goes to the hospital in a coma.  The cave-in is blamed on Tom Hanniger, the mine owner’s son.  Even after it is discovered Harry killed the other miners, people still have it in for Tom.

A year from the accident, Valentine’s Day, Harry wakes up and starts killing people left and right.  He wears a mining uniform, with mask, and gets medieval on people with his pick-axe.  Harry crashes a party at the mines, slaughters the teens, and of the few left alive are Tom, his girlfriend Sarah, Axel, and his girlfriend Irene.  The sheriff arrives, shots are fired, and Harry is dead.

Or is he?  Dum dum dum dum….

Ten years later Tom comes back home, after the death of his father, to sell the mine.  The whole town hates him even more now.  Axel is the sheriff, he is married to Tom’s former love, Sarah, and Irene, I don’t know what she does, but she eventually fights the returned Harry (or is it?), or whoever is stalking around in a mining uniform, butt ass naked after Harry offs the midget (or little person).  Yeah, I know, it sounds freaky-deaky, but it’s really not.  There is nothing out of the ordinary here, it’s all fairly standard.

Like I said, some of it works, most of it doesn’t.  It lacks the charm of Midnight Movie.  It reminded me a lot of the Friday the 13th remake; what was the whole point behind it?  Surely 3D is not the reason to make a movie these days. 

I felt there were a lot of missed opportunities at this dance.  My guess is that a sequel is inevitable.  Just ask yourself this:  Who is Tyler Durden?

2.5 out of 5
the_novacula