LITERAL REMAINS

It seems the remake train is still going strong, and a long way from ending.  Universal and Strike Entertainment are working to redo the Tobe Hooper film The Funhouse.  The 1981 movie is about four friends who spend the night in a carnival funhouse and are offed by a killer in a Frankenstien mask.  Apparently Eli Roth (Cabin Fever, Hostel) thinks we need this remake to happen since he is wanting to jump in the director’s chair for this one.

Do we need it?  Really?  I like Rob Zombie’s take on Halloween, but honestly, I could have lived without it.  I’ve liked a good few of the recent remakes that have come down the pike over the last few years.  But really, did we need them?  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, The Fog, Black X-mas…couldn’t we have lived without all of these?  I mean, we did until they came out, right?  Couldn’t we have gone on living our lives peacefully with nary a remake in sight?

I think we could have.

Of course the remake craze is just the latest craze in a long line of Hollywood crazes.  For some reason we need Americanized versions of Japanese horror movies, and, well, any movie not in English.  There are soon to be American “reimaginings” of The Orphanage and Let the Right One In.  And with the advent of technological improvements with 3D, we are going to be bombarded with Pirahna 3D, though one of its ”stars” is adult film actress Riley Steele–I may have to watch this one before any judgment can be passed.  Lionsgate is contemplating a Happy Birthday To Me 3D instead of a sequel to the 3D hit My Bloody Valentine, in which case I don’t know what would be the bigger crime against society– HBTM3D or MBV3D2?  I say give me a movie with C-3PO and R2-D2 teaming up with the T-888, along with an against-his-will T-1000, to free THX 1138 from the Planet of the Apes.  It could happen.  I gurantee if that were a Swedish film it would so be remade.

I know there are plenty of screenwriters in Hollywood, both working and struggling.  Come on movie producers!  Is there no more in the idea well other than frigga-frackin’ remakes?  Aren’t there anything more than Saw scripts laying around?  Is everybody too scared to take a chance on something other than recycling the treasures (or the trash) from the past?  I’ve written some screenplays, give me a call.  Look, guys and gals, I know there are no original ideas anymore, but can’t you at least make it look like you’re trying?

Don’t get me wrong, not everything is a remake.  There are a lot of independent films that are proving not everyone has come down with Reimagine-sufferitus.  My complaints are with the big guys, and with those Platinum Dunes guys Brad Fuller and Andrew Form (at least Michael Bay is doing something other than remakes; F & F have ventured out with The Horsemen, but it seems that one is an anomaly).  Just because you can make a movie doesn’t mean you should.

Do we need a new version of Hellraiser or The Evil Dead?  No.  Do we need a new Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires or Scream?  I don’t think so.  Do all Platinum Dunes’ movies have tunnels in them, and is that some sort of gay subtext?  Just about, and yeah, it probably is.

the_novacula